This day was just crazy. It was a total roller coaster of self-doubt and emotions. I was excited about some new opportunities and totally worried about some issues. I even took a test to see if I was bipolar. Wish I was joking there. There just seems to be so much to take care of, and I feel so pulled around. Trying to remember everything to do and pay and drive people to, on top of remembering what’s going on at work and adjusting to a million last second requests. My brain shut off, I can’t think past now.
I’m just going to live day by day. I have no idea what I’m doing tomorrow. I set like a million reminders on my phone so I can just be idiot-proof and wing it. When things get crazy, I take bite size pieces of a day. That’s about all I can handle from time to time.
This morning I did that thing where the alarms went off and just shut them off. I decided I wasn’t having that today, apparently. I love what you decide when you’re still asleep. It never makes sense.
That was the charming part of my day. The rest was battling my rollercoaster emotions, angry parishoners (work at a church) and my spiraling negative thoughts, sucking me in and making me doubt myself and mildly panic.
It’s a cycle. I don’t want to ride this thing anymore. I look at all of these things that need to be done and don’t know what to do about them. I feel like nothing is working. Like I really need to grab the reigns of our life and drive this thing. I need to kick it into high gear and get all of our projects knocked out and birthdays taken care of and camping trips planned and train the dog and get me and the hubs on a diet.
Yeah, that sounds simple. Why am I not doing all of that? I don’t even know what to do first. This sucks. I’ve got nothing to go on, no priorities set, no budget given, nothing. Just a seemingly impossible list of things to get done. And I get frustrated and pissy, and then I give up. I just stop. I don’t want to do anything.
I just operate on auto pilot and do day-to-day and survive. And that’s it. And that’s where I am right now.
I know sometimes when it seems like there’s too much going on, it just gets frustrating. And that’s it, I’m just frustrated. I’m tired and cranky and frustrated. And in the land of step-mommydom, that happens. All I can do is take it for what it is and see what happens tomorrow.
But I really want to shut off this auto pilot at some point. I don’t care for it so much.