A note to stepmoms everywhere

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Zombies and Dudes



I accidentally inherited a gecko about 7 years ago. He’s been a mean little cuss. But he looks cool. Lately, though, he had decided he didn’t want to eat anymore. I didn’t want to force him because he had a rough life, and if he was done, I was going to let him be done.
This morning, he was done.
It was one of those days where I went ahead and turned off the alarm and went back to sleep. I was running around in a hurry, trying to not be even later, and I did my daily check on him, and he had obviously run out of gas. Forever.
I couldn’t deal with that at the moment, so I went to work.
It was just a weird day. I was cranky and unpleasant and gross. Then while cooking dinner, I began to feel like I had been hit by a bus, and I realized; the kids got me sick again!!! What the heck!! Bringing home their professional strength yuck. And the middle child is always leaning on me and rubbing her face on me (don’t ask, she’s 13, I don’t get it, but I don’t argue), and she looked half dead for church on Sunday. I told her she was going to become a walker by dawn.
Now I’m next for the zombie transformation. Radical.
The oldest went to the store with me to get medicine, and I was so out of it. All I could keep saying was “I can’t even think”. It was a mess.
So my husband took care of the gecko. I never really named him, I just called him ” the dude “. If anyone asked why, I would just say “because the dude abides”.
We are going to a water park this weekend, and I don’t care how sick I am, I’m going. Because I’m clearly losing my mind.


Something Ain’t Right. Actually, A Couple Things…



I’ve had enough of this “sick” business. I’m not sure what kind of horrible plague has been brewed, since the flu shots were useless and the weather changes by 25 degrees every few days, but this is ridiculous. I’ve been sick for like 3 weeks and the antibiotics just tickled it a little.
I still had a pretty awesome week. Got to have a great trip to the gym, meet up with a friend, have a nice night at church, and I seem to have forgotten Thursday altogether. Huh. Wonder what I did that day.
But it was nice and productive. Then I woke up yesterday feeling like junk. It was a long day, it was my last day at my awesome job working in the church. People came to say goodbye, and I tried to make sure I tied up all the lose ends. I was pretty wiped out from all of the emotions this week.
I got an email from a recruiter, and he was indirectly asking me if I was interested in a position in an awesome company. I was pretty amped. I emailed him back, and, as calmly and intelligently as possible, said YES, I WOULD LIKE THAT!!! Super excited. This changes everything, the sky opened up and the sun was shining just for me!!!
He calls me to talk to me, and he sounds like he has a big secret. He’s speaking very quietly, with the phone very close to him mouth, and he’s mumbling, like he’s trying to make sure no one hears him. To make it fun, he also has an extremely heavy accent. I missed about 75% of what he said. I did my best to answer his questions, and then he dumped out a sentence I didn’t understand. I said ” I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.” He said it again. He repeated the same thing, in the same speed and volume about 3 more times. 5 minutes later he finally said “I’m asking about your visa status”
Oh! Well, why didn’t you say so! I’m not sure what he said at the end of the call, but it seemed like he would be passing my info to someone else. I’m not sure why, or what that means, or what I’m supposed to do, but I think that’s what he said.
So now, here I have this amazing opportunity to work for this unbelievable company, and it all comes down to one guy, mumbling to me on the phone. One guy standing between me and something great, and I can’t understand the words that are coming out of his mouth!! WHY?!?!
I swear the weirdest things happen to me. Like a recruiter with marbles in his mouth. I emailed him after the conversation, saying I had a difficult time hearing him and wanted to follow up, and that I was sorry for the difficulties. So we will see what happens.
But today me and my mommy went and saw a great movie. And now I’m back in bed, because I’m still sick. For like the third week. At least the kids have calmed down from their near-homicidal “been out of school too long” tendencies. I gotta rest up for my awkward-off as the new girl at my new job on Monday.

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New Year, New Pants. You Can’t Stop Me!

dancing animated GIF

courtesy You can’t stop me! I got new pants!

Yay 2015! I can’t tell you how thankful I am to have a concrete end to all of the garbage from last year! It was a MESS!! We had financial problems, we were sick more times in this past year than the previous 6 years combined, and ran into all kinds of issues any time we had to plan anything. Planning camping trips was insane, one dog died and the other one tried to eat a child. The only person in the house who had a birthday was the youngest child. Actually, that’s probably a good thing, she normally gets the shaft, since she’s smack dab in the middle of holiday madness.

I couldn’t wait for 2014 to end! And it tried to take me out! I got crazy sick this week, and went to bed before midnight. I didn’t care to see the last few minutes of the year go out. I was at home anyway.

We went on a little trip with the kids over the weekend. We went to Indiana to see my husband’s grandma, or actually his granny. She’s a lot of fun, but I had just been through a wringer-washer of a holiday, then drove almost 4 hours, so I was beat. We did have a really nice lunch on the way down, and we got to go to the mall with the kids. And do you know what? The most exciting thing of the whole year happened to me, I got new pants!  I mean like brand new, not from Goodwill! I was so excited, I just would randomly say “I got new pants” for the rest of the weekend, and on the ride home. The kids got to play in the pool, we got an awesome room for free (husband’s reward points) and spent plenty of time with granny, hearing some AWESOME stories. Granny has pulled a gun on more than one person. Not unnecessarily, like things were getting out of hand and granny wasn’t going to take any crap. I could listen to her talk for hours. But I started to feel like junk on the way home, then Monday I thought I had a cold. Then Tuesday I thought I was going to die. But I’m on medicine, so I’m getting better now!

But it was a pretty fantastic trip, and I got new pants! It’s a new year, and pretty soon I start my new job, which I’m still kind of freaked out about, but I suppose this year, all things are new.

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You Know, It Was A Very Gary Christmas (I Mean Strange)



I have to get this all out because my Christmas was just stranger than fiction. Seriously. I’m super tired and pretty sure I’m sick again, but it was just outlandish.
Every year, we do Christmas Eve with my family, and this year it was at my brother’s house. I volunteered to bring plates, cups and silverware because I had to work and was getting up early the next day to make breakfast. I didn’t want to cook any more than I needed to. The party started at 2, and I worked until 3. In my wisdom, I didn’t foresee a problem with bringing eating and drinking utensils late. Duh.
So by the time I got off of work, changed and ran down there, it was about 4:30. No good. But everyone was happy to see me, and I was happy to see them. My cousin was there, and due to family complications, and a cross-country move, I haven’t seen much of her in years. I wasn’t sure she’d make it. I walk in, and her father tells me she’s pregnant. Now there were a few reasons why I wouldn’t believe this, but mostly because 90% of everything he says is a joke. So I laughed.
Well, she was pregnant. Oops. I hope we don’t go another 10+ years with silence. I didn’t mean anything, I just thought my leg was being pulled.
Dinner was great, and there was lots of champagne. I noticed my dad had on a pinky ring, and he said it was a gift from my late grandma, then promptly lost it. We looked all over for it, then it mysteriously rolled out of his pant leg. Still no idea on the logistics of that one.
We had an awesome white elephant gift exchange (I got a grill for camping) and then everyone started the mass exodus.
My husband and I weren’t sure if we should leave, it was just us left. Then my brother came in with the game Apples to Apples, and we put on some old school hip hop (I don’t get it either, we always do this, and it’s something none of us listen to alone, I think). We played late into the night and then came home and flopped into bed.
I woke up the next day feeling like I had some champagne the night before, but I had breakfast to make. So I tried to suck it up and rehydrate myself, and I got to cooking. The southbound tummy train was set on express, and I had to hit the station a few times (tried to not make that graphic). I felt awful. Then the kids came home, and I was trying to cook, answer questions and not puke on myself all at the same time. It came time to get out the corned beef for making the hash, and I opened the crock pot and almost tossed my cookies. I stared at the awful, smelly thing, trying to figure out a way to get it out without getting sick.
Couldn’t think of one.
So I grabbed two utensils and wrestled the beast out. All 3 kids are in the kitchen when it slips away, bounces off my sweater and splats on the floor.
Meat sprays everywhere. It was horrible.
A silence falls over the kitchen, and we all stare at it for a second. The middle child says “it’s still good” grabs a piece off the floor and eats it. I grab two forks, salvage the beast and then clean the floor.
Then I had to go change my shirt before I threw up.
The beast was inspected and approved and turned into a delicious hash, which we all ate (including me). After a quick shower, I returned to being human and had a great time at my house on Christmas, and got to have some good conversation with some in laws I don’t get to talk to much. We all had a really good time. And the drama drama was checked at the door. It was a Christmas miracle!
The next day, we left for a trip, but that’s another entry. At least I squeezed in a little vacation. I was getting tense!

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Best Plague Ever!!


Knocked out!

Oh it’s a wonderful day, people. Yesterday I went to bed with a serious concern that I may have been infiltrated by some germ type beings. But I was hoping it was just really bad allergies. But today I woke up, throat on fire, ears throbbing, ice pick between the eyes, and I knew it wasn’t allergies. And the husband left at 4 this morning for a business trip. And I have the kids.
So I pulled my happy butt out of bed this morning, body creaking and groaning like the tin man from The Wizard of Oz. I stumbled upstairs and told the oldest I would drive her to the bus stop because it was raining. Took the other 2 to school when I got back then slithered into Walgreens to load up on zinc and cold medicine.
It’s been an exciting day. I’ve been in a coma for most of it. But the good news is, I will be better by tomorrow, and I bought chicken nuggets so the kids can make their own dinner. Pretty awesome. And they were amped for some nuggets. So weird.
I will be having a birthday very soon, and not only do I seriously not care, I seriously hope no one else does either. I hate birthdays. Not because I’m getting older, I don’t care about that, no age can make me mature. Because everyone makes a big deal out of it and it always goes wrong. I don’t like the whole thing, I don’t even like people to acknowledge it. Yeah, I’m weird, tell me something new.
But I am pretty excited about my job interview on Friday. I’m really looking forward to being able to breathe again. And maybe not donating plasma. That sounds rough.

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Quarantine Party!!

it's like this

it’s like this

Today we had been scheduled to host a mildly fabulous meatfest of a birthday party. There was going to be chopped pork, 3 racks of ribs and hamburgers, and my dad’s famous potato salad. But yesterday I woke up not feeling so hot. It came on the heels of my husband having been disgustingly sick for days. I had seen how he felt and was not super excited about going through the same process. But I knew what was coming, so I buckled down and got ready for the party, I figured I would just be in bed for most of it.

Midway through the morning, the oldest child was acting silly, sneezing constantly and said she had a sore throat. She said she would tough it out for the party and it would be okay. After she started coughing like an old man, their mom came to pick them up for a bit. They were going out on the boat to see fireworks.

About an hour later, I came upstairs to find the oldest and middle child in the living room. I said “That was quick, what happened to the fireworks?” Oldest child says “I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to be out there and I really wanted some cold medicine and cough drops”. I asked where the youngest child was, and they said she was on the boat. I asked the middle child why she wasn’t on the boat, “My throat hurts and I don’t feel good.”

So now both of the girls who the party is for are sick. I’m sick, my husband is sick, and the 2 kids are sick. My husband was fully ready to just let everyone come over and wallow in our plague infested disease den. I said “Normal people would cancel the party.” So we pretended to be normal.

So I have about 6 pounds of potato salad, 25 hamburger buns, 6 pounds of pork shoulder and 3 racks of ribs to do something with. Fantastic. I suppose we will eat what we can. We can’t reschedule, summer is too short and the kids have been dying to go somewhere. A party means that an entire weekend of going out and camping or going to the zoo or something like that is shot.

It’s like the walking dead in the house today. Nobody can hear anything right, no one is sure what’s going on and everyone is mildly delusional. The youngest child isn’t sick, so she’s looking at the rest of us like we’ve lost our minds. When something amusing happens, we all lowly chuckle, because that’s all the energy we have. It’s like a bunch of really bubbly zombies are hanging out in my house.

But we are making all of the ribs later. We will have a little fire outside and have ourselves a little “sicky” party, all quarantined to ourselves. We’re going to have fun whether we realize it or not!